A big part of this blog post is me just thinking about my personal shortcomings. I’ve found that talking about my feelings really helps ease some of my worries. I know it can feel risky to share this stuff online, but it’s comforting to realize that others feel the same way. It reminds me that I’m not alone in what I’m going through.

It's been at least two weeks since my 40th birthday. While I'm grateful to have reached this milestone, and I was a little excited in the months leading up to it, now that it's passed, I'm kind of unsure how to feel. I don't feel "old," but at the same time, much of the optimism I had in my 20s and early 30s has long since dissipated. All that's left is ambivalence about this new decade of my life. For a while, I couldn't shake the feeling that there were things in my life I always thought I'd have by this age, which I'll expand on as I write.

Bodily Changes

Aside from that, I'm beginning to notice some not-so-subtle changes in my body. For one, I've grown a lot more gray hair on my head than in years past. I understand this may not be the case for everyone in their mid-to-late thirties, but for me it wasn't a surprise; I found my first gray hair when I was twenty-nine, so this was expected. Another thing is the subtle changes that have happened to my skin; a couple of years ago I learned that the skin care products and routine that worked for me in my twenties and early thirties won't work the same way in my late thirties and onward.

I'm starting to notice that I can’t eat the same kinds of foods anymore. Overly processed sugars and ingredients that I used to enjoy often leave me with a bad stomachache or headache now. Many of my favorite foods from my mid-twenties and early thirties, like oatmeal, now give me indigestion or gas. Oatmeal used to be a breakfast staple for me, but these days it makes me feel bloated. As for soda? Forget it. I really have to monitor my sugar intake, being careful about added sugars. In fact, I don’t keep regular sugar in my house anymore; I’ve switched to alternatives like monk fruit and allulose, which are natural sweeteners that don’t spike my blood sugar.

On top of these digestive changes, I’ve been diagnosed with severe arthritis in my left shoulder. Mornings can be tough because my body and muscles feel stiff. I’ve learned that stretching is essential, and if I sleep wrong, I definitely wake up with a sore neck. And here’s more information about my bodily changes: I have to prepare for the shifts that will come with my monthly cycle and the anticipation of perimenopause.

Dreams Deferred

Now, I know this might sound like I’m complaining about getting older, but that’s not the case. Growing older doesn’t bother me; it’s just a part of life, even if some of the changes are unwelcome. However, I did mention at the beginning that I had certain expectations for where I thought I would be at this age, specifically, the milestones of marriage and children.

Throughout my teenage and young adult life, I checked off many items on my “adulting” checklist: I graduated high school, joined the Air Force, and pursued my college education while working full-time. After being discharged, I continued working as a civilian. With those "accomplishments" behind me, I naturally assumed that marriage and kids would follow soon after. But, as life would have it, those particular expectations didn’t materialize.

I always believed that marriage and children were just a natural part of adulthood, much like how we were told as kids that if we worked hard and went to college, we’d end up with a nice house, a yard, two cars, kids, and a dog. While those things may have happened to others, they didn’t happen to me. It took a long time for me to accept that some aspects of my life didn’t unfold as I had hoped. I often felt like I was doing adulthood wrong, simply because I was a woman past a certain age without a husband and children. Eventually, I began to reflect on whether having a husband and kids would truly make me happy. I realized that while it might have brought me joy in the moment, being married with children would also come with its own set of challenges. I had to ask myself if these desires stemmed from what I genuinely wanted or from societal pressure to catch up..."keep up with the Joneses."

In a way, the uncertainty I feel now is tied to grieving a future that never came to be. The important question now is: "How do I pivot and adjust to move forward?" That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately, but haven't come across an answer yet.

Let's face it, everything sucks right now! The economy is struggling, gas and grocery prices are rising, and many people are having a hard time finding work, let alone jobs that pay a livable wage. We seem to be moving steadily toward a technocratic surveillance state controlled by greedy billionaires. Adding to that are the current racial and social tensions, the blatant anti-Black and xenophobic attitudes spreading across the nation, the implementation of Project 2025, and the threat of World War III.

Watching all this unfold before my eyes really takes a toll. As a millennial, I never imagined that I would experience this stage of my life during such a difficult time. This isn’t the future that was promised to our generation. Thinking about it makes me angry and sad, especially when I consider the younger generation coming up behind us, like my niece and nephews. What kind of future will they have when they step out into the world as young adults?

Seriously though, it's been hard for me to find a silver lining, let alone envision where I see myself in the near future.

Conclusion

Although I’m 40 now, I don’t feel like my life is over. If anything, I’m in a good place and ready to embrace the next season of my life. I believe taking things one step at a time is the best approach. I have a checklist of personal projects to tackle, and reorganizing my home office is at the top. Engaging in activities I enjoy might help clarify my direction moving forward. Currently, I’m enjoying being single. Given the state of the dating scene, I’m in no rush to dive back in. While I don’t have children of my own, I cherish my role as an aunt and love being there for my niece and nephews during their formative years.

And who knows? I also might find love someday. To my understanding, there isn't really a "cut-off" age for finding your person; and I know many people discover it well into their 60s and beyond. However, having children at this age is a different matter. I know there are women in their 40s who are perfectly capable of having children, with some even becoming first-time mothers. But I have decided that I do not want to have children. Look, I like kids and love babies, but to be completely honest, I don’t really want to go through the experience of raising a child through infancy and the toddler stage well into my 40s. That might seem selfish, but raising children demands a lot of energy, and helping with the care of my niece and nephews is already quite taxing. That said, my feelings about motherhood could change in the coming years.